Unpredictable People: A Buddhist Way to Stay Calm
Have you ever felt thrown off because someone who was warm yesterday sounds completely different today? Or been left baffled when a plan you had already settled was changed, with no discussion?
When this keeps happening, you may find yourself wondering, “Why can’t this person ever be consistent?”
Not long ago, I listened to a Dharma talk by Venerable Jinkyung, in which someone asked how to deal with an unpredictable person.
How should we look at the pain that comes from someone like that? She began with something else: what life is actually like.
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| Photo by the author |
Unpredictability Isn’t Strange. It’s How Life Works.
Before discussing people’s changing moods, she pointed out that life as a whole is unpredictable.
She shared something that had happened close to home. A healthy monk she lives with was walking down the stairs, lost his focus for a moment, and hurt his back. She has been lying in bed for days. Nobody could have guessed that the day before.
If life is this hard to predict, it isn’t so surprising when someone’s mood or plans change suddenly. A person’s heart and actions also shift with many conditions.
The past works the same way. Something that felt unbearable at the time may, years later, look like a turning point in your life.
A period you thought was satisfying may feel like a loss when you look back. The way you look back on an experience can change over time.
Take this example. Say you resented a friend for years because of something hurtful they said to you in high school.
Over time, you become more confident and feel more at ease with yourself. If you met that friend again, the old incident might not hold you the way it once did.
In the same way, the past and a person’s mood both change with your state of mind and with many conditions.
The Real Reason Unpredictable People Are So Hard to Be Around
Ven. Jinkyung says that when someone’s inconsistency is painful, we should look not only at their behavior but also at the mind that is watching it.
Inside us, there may be a quiet pride that says, I am consistent and doing well. We may also tend to think, My way is right and their way is wrong.
If so, every time the other person falls short of that expectation, our frustration can grow.
If we believe the world should move according to our expectations, we are easily shaken whenever things turn out differently. If we accept that we can’t predict what comes next, we can loosen our grip a little on judging and controlling everything in advance.
Ven. Jinkyung points to another source of frustration: dwelling on the past.
We look at the person in front of us, but our mind is comparing them with how they were yesterday. When we measure the present by the past, we stop seeing the person as they actually are. Our attention drifts toward whatever doesn’t match our expectations.
The Buddhist Way of Dealing with Unpredictable People
How we approach someone can change how they respond. And what they say and do can change how we feel. Our physical state, mood, and surroundings all influence how we respond to one another.
Buddhism teaches that everything arises in dependence on conditions. This is called dependent origination.
Because the human mind and behavior are shaped by conditions, they can’t stay the same all the time.
In the talk, Ven. Jinkyung linked this unpredictability to the uncertainty principle in modern physics. The two ideas are not scientifically identical. It is better to view the comparison as a way to reflect on the limits of prediction.
So dealing with an unpredictable person is not about making them fit our expectations. It means letting go of some of our expectations and seeing the other person as they are.
There is a verse in the Dhammapada that uses the image of a charioteer.
One who can check rising anger as a charioteer stops a racing chariot, I call a true charioteer. Others merely hold the reins. (Dhammapada, verse 222)
We may not be able to stop anger from arising, but we can learn to recognize it when it does.
When things don’t go as expected, we can pause and notice our mind before we react.
Finding Calm Through Mindfulness
The first thing you can try is coming back to the present. If you feel uneasy, quietly tell yourself, Ah, I’m feeling uncomfortable.
The moment you notice it, a little distance opens up between you and the discomfort.
Next, turn your attention to your breath. Feel the air coming in and going out. If the breath is hard to feel, hold a finger near your nose and notice the air touching it.
You can start with just three or four breaths. If you’re familiar with meditation and have time, you can sit for a few minutes and follow the in-breath and out-breath, a practice known as breath meditation.
Once your mind has settled a little, try finding one thing to be grateful for in the person who bothers you.
Ven. Jinkyung reminds us that everyone has value. You might even notice that this person has given you a chance to look at your own reactions.
But you don’t have to force yourself to feel grateful. When emotions run high, simply paying attention to your breath is enough. You can come back to it once your mind has calmed down.
When you have more room inside, you can step back and look at the whole situation.
Ven. Jinkyung encourages us to see it broadly, as many causes and conditions coming together to create what is happening now.
There is one more perspective to add. In the talk, meeting someone who troubles us is linked to unwholesome actions in the past, what Buddhism calls karma.
This is not about blaming yourself. Reflecting on the role of past karma can help us shift our attention from blaming others to examining our own thoughts and actions. This does not mean blaming ourselves or believing we deserve to be treated badly.
When Someone Who Troubles You Becomes a Gift to Your Practice
As you reflect in this way, your view of a difficult person may slowly shift. Still, it is completely natural not to want to run into them.
What struck me most in this talk was the idea that a person who troubles us can be a gift to our practice.
Being with someone who praises us and goes along with us feels comfortable. But Ven. Jinkyung said it can also make us fall easily into pride and the feeling that we are better than others.
Someone who doesn’t act as we wish can reveal reactions in ourselves that we might otherwise overlook.
A few months ago, an acquaintance made me uncomfortable. I tried thinking, This person is a kind teacher for me. Thanks to her, I get to practice noticing my own mind.
Strangely, I began to feel grateful to her. That is why the teaching stayed with me so much.
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| Photo by the author |
If someone is unpredictable with you again today, how about finding one thing to be grateful for? Or, if that feels too hard, watching your breath for a moment and looking at your own mind before you respond?
Noticing your own mind can be much faster than trying to change someone else.
Deepen Your Journey
If today’s reflection resonated with you, consider exploring these related readings. They offer simple, practical guidance for observing your inner world and finding a steady sense of ease amidst daily turbulence.
[When “I Have to Do Everything” Wears You Down: Am I Really the One Breathing?]
[Why Do I Always Feel Like I Don’t Have Enough? Objectively Rich vs. Subjectively Rich]
[Not Sure You're Happy? Buddhism Asks About Suffering]
Listen to the Dharma Talk
This article was drawn from the wisdom shared by Venerable Jinkyung. Hearing these teachings directly carries a quiet clarity that goes beyond the written word.
If you would like to explore this topic further, watching her original video is a wonderful next step.
The segment from 16:39 to 29:00 specifically addresses how to navigate unpredictable people and changing moods with a grounded heart.
"May all living beings be healthy, happy, and prosperous. May they be safe, secure, and free from all dangers and enemies."
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