Why “This Is Just Who I Am” Makes Us Suffer

When someone’s words sting, it’s often not the words that hurt. It’s the replaying afterward.

The remark is long gone, but the thoughts keep going. 

Are they looking down on me? 

This is who I am, so why are they poking at me? 

One thought drags the next one behind it.

The Buddha spoke about this tendency of the mind 2,600 years ago. He described it as a disease.


Golden standing Buddha statue in a quiet temple courtyard
Photo by the author


Even the Thought “I Am” Is Identification

The Majjhima Nikāya, discourse 140, contains these words. It’s long, so I’ve included only the key lines.

“These are all forms of conceiving: ‘I am’, ‘I am this’, ‘I will be’, ‘I will not be’ …”

(Translated by Bhikkhu Sujato, SuttaCentral, excerpt)

Here, conceiving refers to the mind’s tendency to construct ideas about the self — to imagine a fixed “I” and take it to be real. 

Yet the Buddha called even “I am” and “I am this” conceiving. Seeing ourselves as an unchanging being, and holding on to the idea of “I” as if it were solid, is itself conceiving.

The commentary explains this kind of conceiving as arising from craving, conceit, and wrong views. Suffering comes from seeing ourselves as fixed and clinging to the idea of “I.”

“This is just who I am” is one way that idea shows up in daily life. 

The more we take our thoughts about ourselves for who we really are and cling to them, the more they can trap us and make us suffer.

The passage goes on:

“Conceiving is a disease, a boil, a dart. Having gone beyond all conceiving, one is called a sage at peace.”

A disease makes the body ache. A boil hurts at the slightest touch. A dart lodges in the flesh and causes pain. Conceiving is compared to all three because it, too, makes us suffer.

What happened has passed, but the story we attach to it lingers and keeps hurting. 

We’re rejected once, and it becomes “I’m someone nobody loves.” We’re late once, and we decide we’re lazy. 

Before long we accept our judgments about ourselves as fact. Then we start settling in advance how things that haven’t happened yet will go, and we narrow our own possibilities.

Not long ago, on a phone call with my aunt, I felt how strongly the thought “This is who I am” can rise up.

She said something that touched my pride. Anger flared, and before I knew it my voice had grown a little louder. A bus happened to pull up, so I told her I had to catch it, and I wanted to end the call quickly.

In that moment, this thought was running through me:

This is who I am, so why is she poking at me? Why does she judge me so freely when she doesn’t even know me?



Then it hit me. I wasn’t only angry at what she’d said. The mind that sees itself as a certain kind of person, and the pride that wants to protect that image, were at work too. 

The urge to hang up was there, but I didn’t act on it. The call ended without any trouble.

Afterward, I spent some time looking at my mind. 

Anger like that rarely flares in me these days, so it was a part of my mind I hadn’t had the chance to examine. Another thought came up as well: That’s just how my aunt has always been.

Looking more closely, I saw how my habitual patterns and hers had come into conflict. 

Looking deeper still, there was no fixed “me” and fixed “aunt” bumping into each other. 

It was a happening. 

Each of us was reacting according to our own karma and conditions, and the reactions collided.


Noticing What Arises, Instead of Stopping Thoughts

So how should we deal with our thoughts? The sutta doesn’t tell us to force them to stop.

What I’ve tried is simple. When “This is just who I am” arises, I neither pull it closer nor push it away. 

I just notice: A thought has arisen that defines me as this kind of person.

In Buddhism, mindfulness means noticing and observing the thoughts and feelings that arise in the mind right now. 

It isn’t about getting rid of them, or judging them right or wrong. It’s about seeing them simply as something happening in the mind at this moment.

Luckily, during the call with my aunt, I was able to notice the anger rising and the thought underneath it. Without that noticing, I might have rushed off the phone.

Noticing isn’t meant to eliminate thoughts and feelings. It’s about seeing that they, too, arise because of conditions.

But why would something as simple as noticing help with a sickness of the mind? Another simile from the suttas helps explain.



Why Is the Buddha Compared to a Surgeon?

In the Sunakkhatta Sutta (MN 105), there’s a simile of a man struck by a poisoned arrow, and the surgeon who treats him. The sutta explains the simile itself. First, the sickness:

“‘Wound’ is a term for the six interior sense fields. ‘Poison’ is a term for ignorance. ‘Dart’ is a term for craving.”

(Translated by Bhikkhu Sujato, SuttaCentral, excerpt)

The wound refers to the six doors of sense: eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, and mind. The poison, ignorance, is the state of not knowing our experience as it really is. The dart, craving, is the thirst that drives us to keep reaching for what we want.

Read side by side, the two suttas show an interesting connection. 

In discourse 140, conceiving itself, the way we define ourselves, is the dart. In discourse 105, craving is the dart. 

The two suttas speak of the dart in different settings, yet together they invite us to look at both: being caught in our thoughts about ourselves, and the craving beneath them.

Now the cure:

“‘Probing’ is a term for mindfulness. ‘Scalpel’ is a term for noble wisdom. ‘Surgeon’ is a term for the Realized One, the perfected one, the fully awakened Buddha.”

A probe is used to examine a wound. Noticing “a thought has arisen,” as I described earlier, is exactly that.

The scalpel opens the wound so the dart can be removed. The sutta likens it to noble wisdom. Mindfulness doesn’t stop at seeing what arises. Wisdom sees through to the cause of suffering.

Put simply, mindfulness is noticing which thought has arisen in my mind right now. Wisdom is seeing where that thought, and the suffering, come from.

If we don’t look and just cover the wound, we never learn what the problem is. If we look and stop there, the cause remains.

The sutta also says that pulling out the dart doesn’t mean the healing is finished. A wound that isn’t cared for can get worse again. It goes on to explain why practicing restraint at the doors of the senses matters.

Noticing and examining aren’t done once. In daily life, we can keep asking ourselves:

Am I awake right now?

Asking this question helps us stay aware of what is happening in our mind and how we are acting.


Rocky ocean islands under a cloudy sky at sunrise
Photo by the author


Majjhima Nikāya 140 and 105: The Key Passages Again

If you’ve read this far, read the words of the sutta once more, straight through. They may feel different now.

“These are all forms of conceiving: ‘I am’, ‘I am this’, ‘I will be’, ‘I will not be’ …

Conceiving is a disease, a boil, a dart.

Having gone beyond all conceiving, one is called a sage at peace.”

(Majjhima Nikāya 140, excerpt)


“‘Wound’ is a term for the six interior sense fields.

‘Poison’ is a term for ignorance.

‘Dart’ is a term for craving.

‘Probing’ is a term for mindfulness.

‘Scalpel’ is a term for noble wisdom.

‘Surgeon’ is a term for the Realized One, the perfected one, the fully awakened Buddha.”

(Majjhima Nikāya 105, Sunakkhatta Sutta, excerpt)


Deepen Your Awareness

If these reflections brought you a moment of peace, here are a few more pieces to explore. 

They offer gentle ways to look closer at the mind and who you really are.

[What Is Non-Self (Anatta)? How the Buddha's Teaching Can Free You from Anxiety] 

[Who Am I? Buddhist Insights on Ego, Identity, and Anxiety: Beyond Modern Psychology]

[What's Actually Running Your Life?]


A Quiet Space for Your Mind

I encourage you to spend some time with Venerable Beopsang’s video below, "Not-Self (Anattā): Why Is There No Fixed Self?" 

It offers an accessible and comforting way to grasp the idea of non-self, helping you see firsthand how letting go of a rigid identity brings genuine freedom.







"May all living beings be healthy, happy, and prosperous. May they be safe, secure, and free from all dangers and enemies."





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